Hesitation
by Annie Doane
My entire body tenses up as I turn to face her. I take a nice, long look. She’s mesmerizing. Lily wears her long, jet black hair in a messy pile on the top of her head, with a few small pieces falling out the sides. Her piercing green eyes stare me down through her thick glasses. She has a concerned, confused look on her face as she stares up at me. I have two inches on her, but in that moment, she towers over me. She has no idea what is about to happen.
A few moments earlier, she was standing in the doorway of my apartment saying goodbye. She was just about to leave when I instinctively grabbed her forearm and gently pulled her back toward me.
“Wait!” I manage to sputter out.
Why did I do that? Unfortunately, I can’t go back now.
I’m trying to stall. I feel all of the colour drain from my face. My hands are cold and clammy, and my lip subtly starts to quiver. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think I have a nasty virus. I’m trying to think of anything that I can say to get me out of this situation without coming off as incredibly awkward or strange. Nothing comes to mind. Shit.
Lily starts to fiddle with one of the three rings on her left hand as I try to string a sentence together. Her eyes haven’t left my face as she politely and patiently waits for a seemingly endless amount of time. I know that I have about 10 seconds before I lose her attention.
“What is it? Tell me.”
Well, here goes nothing…
“I love you.”
By the expression on Lily’s face, I can tell that those were not the words that she expected from me. Her mouth hangs open, and her eyes widen dramatically. Her body immediately tenses up, her skin turning an even paler shade than before. She attempts to hide inside of her favourite blue sweater that is a size too big for her petite frame, but fails. She can’t hide from me.
She buries her head in the sleeves of her sweater. I’m unsure of what she is going to do next. Cry? Scream? Spontaneously combust? I wouldn’t be surprised at her reaction. But she just stands there like a beautiful stone monument on my doorstep.
“Please say something,” I plead to her. She looks as though she is going to pass out from shock. I wonder if I should get her a chair, or some water. Eventually she manages to shuffle to the armchair in my living room and sits down—still, without a word.
A few moments of deafening silence pass. I try to think of something, anything, I can say to break the silence, and for the second time today, nothing comes to mind. I descend into the leather couch across from Lily. The only barrier is the glass coffee table. Her face finally emerges from the depths of her sweater and she turns her gaze over to me. Some peachy undertones return to her face as she regains control of her breathing.
“How long?” she whispers.
That is a hard question to answer accurately.
“It’s hard to pinpoint an exact moment. All I know is that my feelings have grown a lot over the last few months.”
“I didn’t know you were--”
“Neither did I.”
“I’m just really confused about how to feel right now. This is a lot to take in.”
“Honestly, I am still confused, too.”
There is a long pause. Lily is staring at the floor, and starts to fiddle with her rings again. I really want to apologize, even though I know that this isn’t anybody’s fault. I decide that she needs a moment to absorb everything. So instead, I just continue to sit motionless on the couch, and wait for a cue to show me what to do next.
“I should go.”
“You don’t have to.” I don’t want her to.
“No, I should. I just really need to think.”
As she says that, Lily abruptly stands up and heads towards the door. I stumble to my feet in order to follow her, surprised by her speedy departure. I meet her by the door.
“Can we talk more about this tomorrow?”
She hesitates, “I don’t know.”
*
“I love you.”
By the expression on Lily’s face, I can tell that those were not the words that she expected from me. Initially, she raises her eyebrows and folds her arms over her chest like a parent who is about to discipline her child for drawing on the walls. It is clear that she is trying to piece together a well-thought-out response.
After a few seconds, she starts to chuckle. Now I’m confused. This is no laughing matter. As I stand there, trying to fathom all of the possible reasons she is laughing at a time like this, she finally speaks up.
“I know.”
“You know what?”
“That you love me. Things have been pretty intense the last few months. You’ve been acting differently. I caught on pretty quickly.”
“And you didn’t say anything?”
“I knew that you would tell me when you were ready. I just didn’t think it would be so sudden.”
I feel stupid. Of course she didn’t say anything. Imagine if she were wrong, how awkward that would have been. I must have a distressed look on my face, because in that moment, Lily grabs my wrist and pulls me towards the sofa. We both sit down, and she gives me a reassuring gaze as she puts both of my hands in hers.
“So you’re OK with it?”
“I mean, I don’t feel the same way. I’m sorry. But I love having you as a friend, and I don’t want to lose you.”
My heart sinks from my chest to my toes. Lily knew. She knew, and she chose to look past it for the sake of our friendship. But she doesn’t feel the same way. A small part of me knew this could happen, but I rejected that conclusion as soon as it popped into my head. Now, it is my reality.
Lily furrows her brow and starts fiddling with a loose piece of hair. Over the course of a minute, she changes her sitting position four times. She can’t sit still.
“This doesn’t change anything on my end,” she explains. “I still love you. But it’s a matter of whether you still want to be friends as well. I hope you do.”
I hate that I need to think this through.
I hesitate. “I still do.”
*
“I love you.”
By the expression on Lily’s face, I can tell that those were not the words she expected from me. She stands, seemingly completely frozen, for about a minute, until the initial surprise melts away. She moves in slow motion as she collects herself, and I just impatiently observe. I can’t read her face. I have no idea how she feels about my daring, stupid proclamation. Just as I’m about to self-combust from panic and ask if she is ok, Lily looks up at me, her green eyes as piercing as I’ve ever seen them, and hugs me tightly. I calm down instantly.
We linger in the hug a little bit longer than a normal, friendly embrace. Her hands are buried in the sleeves of her blue sweater, but I can still feel them firmly placed on my back. We subtly sway back and forth in silence, still standing in my door frame. At this point, Lily still hasn’t said anything, but she doesn’t need to.
Eventually, Lily lifts her head from my shoulder, and untangles her limbs from mine. She grabs both of my hands and looks at me as if she is about to make a big proclamation of her own. She takes a deep breath and I prepare for her long-awaited speech.
“I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve you. You’ve always been here. Always reliable, always safe, always exactly what I need. There have been so many moments where I have taken you for granted, and I’m sorry, but that will never happen again. It’s always been you and me.”
I don’t think I have ever felt more giddy. I can’t believe that she is saying all of these things to me. Things I’ve waited so long to hear from her. Things I’ve questioned about our relationship for so long.
“I’m sorry that I didn’t realise how you have been feeling, I’ve just been so caught up in trying to figure this out myself.”
“Lily, I--”
“I love you, too.”
I feel an instant sense of heat flood my body after those words leave her lips. I can tell Lily is experiencing a similar sensation, as her whole face is flushed. Why did I wait so long to tell her? Imagine missing out on this high.
After standing and staring at her for probably an excessive amount of time, I make my move. I gently place my right hand on the back of her neck, while my left finds a place on Lily’s waist. I pull her towards me just as gently as I had minutes earlier. Same urgency, different emotion. As I lean in to kiss her, I can’t help but crack a smile. I didn’t think that this would ever happen to me.
I kiss her. No hesitation.
*
“What is it? Tell me.”
I’m panicking. I don’t know why I can’t get the three words to leave my lips. Is it that I’m unsure? Am I too paralysed by the fear of losing her? Am I just making excuses for being a wimp? Unclear.
Lily still has a look of concern on her face. She is nervously waiting for the important information that my expression has prepared her for. I have absolutely no idea how she is going to react. I’m terrified. I make one last effort to force the words out.
“Lily, I--”
“Yes?”
I can’t do it. I need to find something I can do to de-escalate the situation.
“I’m so happy we are friends.”
“Aw, I’m happy we’re friends, too! Dinner on Thursday?”
“Yeah, for sure.”
I close the door behind Lily as she saunters out. I try my best to hide the disappointment on my face. I was going to tell her today. I was gonna tell my best friend that I loved her. But I hesitated.